Written by [Astro-Nut McHippiepants aka Araneart]
planets decided to throw a rave in the backroom of your brain
OMG FRIENDS AND FOES! This month's astrology is so wild you'll want to buckle up and put on a helmet!! May 2025 plans to rip out your inner child and hand them a liter of energy drink! This month’s astrological chart combined with the reversed Page of Cups tarot card is like a Netflix drama where your inner child is the lead and the universe is the director yelling, "MORE EMOTION, DAMN IT!" So let’s dive into this emotional rollercoaster before tickets sell out.
Planetary PARTY calendar (WTF is happening in the sky?!)
In May, the universe's party kicks off with the Sun lounging in Taurus’ all-you-can-eat buffet until the 21st. Then it gets bored with slowness and jumps into Gemini’s chatty gossip circle. Taurus energy is a lot like that one person who’s lying on the couch, eating chips, and refusing to go anywhere. “Do I have to if I don’t wanna?”
Mercury, the cosmic gossip, changes signs on May 16 like a teenager flips moods. It moves from fiery “LET ME TALK RIGHT NOW” Aries into the stubborn “Hmm, let me think about this for the next three centuries” Taurus. This basically means your month will start with messages like “I NEED YOUR ANSWER RIGHT NOW!!!!” and end with something like “I’ve been reflecting on this for 72 hours and if it’s okay, I’ll get back to you next year.”
Venus, the cosmic Tinder app, hangs out in Aries until May 18, meaning your love life might feel like a Fast & Furious movie. Fast, explosive, and full of dramatic parking lot confessions. Once Venus moves into Taurus, your date might start acting more like a Downton Abbey character. “Hmm, perhaps we may begin holding hands… shall we say… in five years?”
Mars, also known as the universe’s own Red Bull, storms out of Pisces’ swimming pool into Aries’ wildfire on May 1 like a kid on a sugar high. Basically, one morning you’ll wake up, look at your to-do list, and decide to build a house, start a company, and learn five new languages before lunch. Saturn in Pisces is sitting in the corner rolling its eyes and reminding you. “Have you EVEN considered retirement savings? Or your insurance? What if you need an ambulance in the middle of all this?”
Page of Cups REVERSED (your inner child orders tequila)
In May’s energetic soup, the reversed Page of Cups floats around like a surprise sock in Sunday pasta. This tarot card says your intuition is now as clear as poetry generated by Google Translate. You’re sensing EVERYTHING around you, but understanding NONE of it. It’s like your inner radio is tuned to every station at once, and each is playing a different song.
The reversed Page of Cups looks a lot like this:
• You cry during an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful, but you’re not sure if it’s the show or because you ate your last chocolate bar this morning
• Your inner 5-year-old throws a tantrum because a colleague called you “girl”
• You try to paint a masterpiece, but every color feels “wrong” and you end up staring at the blank canvas like it’s a psychological Rorschach test
• You hesitate to send a friend request on Facebook because what if they think you’re desperately lonely or way too eager
• Your intuition is trying to send you messages, but they come through like phone calls in a tunnel. “Yu hv* a mssg*...btt**...sr*”
The core message of this card. Stop stuffing your emotions into a box labeled “open later.” Let them run wild and free, even if it gets as messy as glitter dust in a fan.
MARK YOUR CALENDAR. COSMIC MAYHEM AHEAD
May 3: Pluto begins retrograde in Aquarius
Pluto, the universe’s goth teenager, decides to go into retrograde in Aquarius like someone told them to unload the dishwasher. This is the universe screaming. “HEY, REMEMBER THAT TRAUMA FROM 12 YEARS AGO? WHAT IF YOU DEALT WITH IT RIGHT NOW?” Pluto doesn’t ask for permission before digging through your psyche’s basement and opening boxes labeled “NEVER OPEN EVER.”
May 8: New Moon in Taurus = cosmic reset button
The New Moon in Taurus hits ctrl+alt+delete on your emotional world. This is the perfect time to start new financial rituals like “Trying not to order Wolt for a whole week” or “I’m totally quitting online shopping forever.” This moon whispers to you. “What if you actually started saving for your dreams instead of only talking about them on New Year’s Eve?”
May 21: Sun enters Gemini = small talk overload
When the Sun rushes into Gemini’s realm, it feels like someone has poured five cups of espresso directly into your brain. Suddenly, you want to talk about EVERYTHING with EVERYONE. Even the bus driver hears your life story, your dreams, and the texts from last night. Prepare for thoughts jumping like a kangaroo with an ADHD diagnosis and attention span similar to a goldfish. “Ooh, what’s that shiny thing?”
May 23: Full Moon in Sagittarius = “EVERYTHING IS SO DEEP” night
The Full Moon in Sagittarius is like tripping and suddenly thinking you’re a philosopher. You might find yourself at 3 AM googling questions like “What is the meaning of life?” or “Can a dog be smarter than a human?” Prepare for feelings that are as subtle as the ending of Titanic.
SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE EMOTIONAL STORM (aka how to survive May)
1. Emotional outburst kit
The reversed Page of Cups is like your emotional world yelling “SURPRISE!” during an important Zoom meeting. Taurus energy offers your feelings a mattress instead of cold floor tiles. Ask yourself these questions (but DO NOT post the answers on TikTok).
• In which situations do I emotionally explode like a troop of baboons after coffee?
• What is my 5-year-old self trying to avenge in my current relationship, job, or when someone eats the last piece of chocolate?
• Is my inner critic destroying my creative ideas faster than an industrial shredder?
2. Body operation. Don’t float away
Taurus energy is the universe’s free weighted blanket. Try these.
• Remember you HAVE a body and are not just a 24/7 thought-carousel spinning in your head. Pinch yourself if unsure.
• Create a safe little corner where you can feel everything, even the rage when the neighbor drills at 7 AM on a Sunday
• Carry stones in your pocket. Not for throwing, but to remind you that gravity exists
3. Voodoo rituals for emotional work (well, not really… but kinda)
“What if feelings didn’t exist?” – New Moon ritual (May 8)
• Write a letter to your inner teenager. “Dear dramatic 14-year-old me, thank you for making my life a telenovela...” and burn it. Preferably in a fire-safe bowl, not on your bed
• Get a moonstone (no, it’s not from the moon even if the seller says so) and hold it while watching Pixar’s Inside Out
• Build an altar for your inner child. Decorate it with Pokémon cards, candy, and other things that made you the coolest kid in the 90s
“I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS” – Full Moon ritual (May 23)
• Jump in the shower and imagine the water washing away all your feelings. Make sure the neighbors don’t hear your crying or spontaneous rendition of “Let It Goooooo!”
• Burn sage candles, frankincense, jasmine, or whatever you can find at the store. Your nose won’t know the difference
• Meditate for 3 minutes (because more than 5 is torture) and ask yourself. “If my feelings were ice cream flavors, which one dominates right now?”
4. Rescue your sense of smell (aka what’s that smell and why is it a good thing)
Early to mid-month “Taurus wants yummy smells” scents:
• Patchouli. Because you want to smell like a festival-goer who hasn’t showered in a week
• Vetiver. Smells like a mix of forest soup, root cellar, and a 70s rock band
• Rose. For when you want to smell like your grandma but also “your true self.”
• Sandalwood. Because your neighbor needs to know you do SPIRITUAL STUFF
Late month “Gemini talks too much” scents:
• Lavender. Because try sleeping when your thoughts are singing “Baby Shark” at 3 AM
• Lemon balm. When you want clarity but only smell lemon and wonder why
• Mint. The perfect scent if you want to feel like chewing gum
• Eucalyptus. Koala-approved and also works if you want your nose to feel like an ice cream freezer
“Full Moon is making me nuts” scents:
• Sage. Because your neighbors need to know you are REALLY spiritual
• Frankincense. Perfect if you want your apartment to smell like a 60s hippie festival
• Jasmine. For a touch of fairy dust and magic
Summary. Feelings exist; deal with it
May 2025’s astrological chart, combined with the reversed Page of Cups, is the universe’s surprise party for you with the theme. “Welcome to processing your emotional baggage. No escape allowed!” This month’s mantra to shout at your mirror while trying not to cry.
“OK, UNIVERSE, I’LL LET OUT MY INNER CHILD! I promise not to force them to sit at the adult table or dress like a ‘reasonable human’ when I actually want to wear glitter and a tiara!”
When you meet your inner child, teen, or earlier version of yourself this month, remember. This is the same soul that picked out your outfits in the 90s, so be kind. Emotional work is never easy, but it’s WAY more fun when done ironically than seriously. Taurus energy gives you the ability to sit still like a concrete block, and Gemini energy helps you tell everyone what you discovered, even if no one asked.
Let May’s cosmic catastrophe guide you into deeper connection with your emotions, intuition, and authentic self. Or at the very least, let it make you laugh at yourself.
Want more of this astrological nonsense straight to your inbox? Join our newsletter and receive monthly “WTF Is The Universe Doing Now” forecasts and tarot readings that work just as well as your horoscope in a gossip magazine. SUBSCRIBE NOW!
P.S. Remember, the planets don’t actually care about you personally. They’re just big rocks and gas balls in space. But we care. At least about your subscription!
Order Your Personal Astrology Forecast or Tarot Reading
Feeling like the universe is trying to tell you something, but you're not fluent in cosmic yet? Need a celestial map to figure out what chapter of your life story you're currently living?
Book a personalized astrology forecast or tarot reading and dive deeper into your inner world with a blend of humor, insight, and a sprinkle of star magic.
Perfect for you if:
- You're looking for clarity or direction
- You want to understand your current challenges and opportunities
- You just need someone to say, “Yes, this too shall pass” through the voice of the cards
Visit www.shop.araneart.net to book your session now.
Because sometimes, the best way to make sense of life is to ask the cards, “What the hell is going on?”